If you aren’t staring directly into the sun during the eclipse, clearly you are doing it wrong.

Every media outlet these days has tips on what eclipse-safe glasses to wear during this celestial event, and every Facebook group has discussed whether you can look at the sun or not.

The bottom line is: no, you can’t look at the sun.

Yes, you should use some ridiculously safe glasses to use while watching the eclipse.

No, no one is going to listen.

I mean, honestly…it’s like this is the first eclipse that has ever happened and we are just witnessing it for the first time. Despite that there was a partial eclipse a mere 3 years ago, and somehow we all survived that one and didn’t need to focus the sun through a telescope and shoot it into pig eyeballs to show the dangers of staring into the sun.

A pig’s eyeball, people.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/science/graphic-video-shows-what-could-11024585

So here’s what I’m going to do for us.

I’m going to list 3 other ways you can look at the sun, which might be unconventional, and they might be risky…but darn it, they’re all solid bad ideas…and that’s what we’re looking for!

1. Spaghettiimgsrc

Do not underestimate the ability of gluten to ruin your digestive system, your friendships, your holidays, nor your eclipse. Think of all the fun times you will have today, staring at the sun through a bushel of spaghetti. Now, the real question is: cooked or uncooked? And that really is the kicker, isn’t it. I think uncooked would be safer, since theoretically the water in the cooked spaghetti might harness the powers of the sun and melt your face off. I mean, I don’t know. But you don’t want to chance these things.

2. A Sheep

imgsrc

Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, and all the little lambs will come to Him. If I were you, I’d just call it safe and wait for our impending doom of the eclipse by watching it through a sheep. I’m not sure if sheep are translucent, but I also have never tried. I think the wool would be the safest bet to viewing the sun as it fades away, though. Not sure on whether or not this is a heretical joke, either, but I’m going with it anyway.

3. A Toilet

imgsrc

This piece of art started a revolution in America, changing the entire nature and perspective of art. Surely, you can view an eclipse through a toilet and have the same life changing experience.

 

I wish us all the best of luck this morning, and please. Do not look at the sun.

If you do, post it on Facebook so we can all laugh at you because omg that would be soo hilarious.