A Snapshot: My Brief Run in Government

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Last week, well…last Friday to be exact…I submitted my application to run for a seat on City Council.

It was a little rash, and a bit impulsive, but it was the right thing to do. Lemme ‘splain:

There was a vacancy on my local City Council because a member was moving on in his career to bigger and better things. A number of older men applied for the position, and someone noted that there are like, zero women running. “Come on!”

Well, that is all I needed to go print out my resume, type up my vision for Bainbridge Island, and fill out an application!

Here is my vision statement for Bainbridge Island:

Tamarah Rockwood

I am interested in serving as a Bainbridge Island City Councilmember because I believe the Council serves a vital role in governing the future of the island, and I would love to be a part of the process.

The City Council’s greatest asset is its diversity, for which I would bring a crucial perspective. As the island continues to struggle with the issue of growth vs. preservation, it is important to have viewpoints from many sectors. My work history is singularly focused on the preservation of the family, as well as the future of my community. I have enjoyed being a part of many communities within our island during the short time my family has lived here, and already I see countless areas in which the island is more than proficient in serving our children and families; but at the same time, there are underlying forces which are keeping more families from living here. The quality of life on Bainbridge Island is high, undoubtedly, and an appealing environment in which to raise children. Unfortunately, the cost of living is a rising factor in our community, and it is imperative that a voice be placed on the council to address families, and specifically young families, who have the amazing opportunity to live on the island.

The three highest priorities I believe the City needs to address are 1) The rapidly increasing cost of living and how it affects families on the island, 2) The health and well being of our forests and environment, 3) The continued sustaining of Bainbridge island culture through outreach, Parks&Rec, community building activities and inclusiveness of diversity within the island. I would address these issues through proposals which are already in discussion, particularly the aquifer situation, as well as bringing in local companies, organizations and groups to participate with the Council in order to strengthen our community.

I have had the pleasure of living on the island with my family for the past 3 years and have also enjoyed being the President of the PTO for Mosaic Home Education Partnership for a brief period. I am eager to participate in communities with my family, and am particularly interested in making sure the future of the island is prosperous and flourishing.

During my time as a Bainbridge Island City Councilmember I would like to see a greater voice from the public be heard. I believe our island has a great collective voice with many perspectives. It is imperative that the voices of those who have lived here for 40 years are just as heard as those who have lived here for 1 year: Bainbridge Island will only prosper with both. As a City Councilmember, I will ensure that the primary focus of the Council will be to establish a relationship of transparency and trust between both the government as well as the citizens.

My vision for the city and community is to continue to establish a strong relationship between the people, the city, the environment and the businesses on the island. The only way a community can survive and thrive is by networking the strengths of all sectors, public and private. I would like to see the City Council look towards the future of the island with a broader lens, rather than try to consecrate our community in a period of stagnant time. Together with this vision, however, must be the balance of maintaining the unique culture of Bainbridge Island. It is a delicate balance, surely, and one which should not be taken lightly.

I have had the priviledge of being able to leave work and raise my and my husband’s 5 children for the past 14 years. During that time I have served as Coordinator for groups for young mothers, explore freelance writing, and have thoroughly enjoyed homeschooling. I have homeschooling blogs, as well as blogs for my writing. Recently I have also had the pleasure of returning to college to finish my Masters at Harvard Extension School with a degree in Literature and Creative Writing. I think this opening on the Bainbridge Island City Councl is an exciting opportunity to both serve my community, as well as to bridge the voices between the visions of established cultures and emerging cultures which bring new and different hope to the future of our island.

Thank you,

Tamarah Rockwood

I was so excited! I was noted in the Bainbridge Island Review, as well as the Kitsap Sun.

I came up with very serious campaign slogans such as, “Progress soothes the nerves,” “Now with 50% more Progress!” “Tonight, let it be Progress,” “The curiously strong Progress,” and finally “Ho Ho Ho Green Progress.”

When suddenly I got some bad news:

“City Council Campaign Update! I have bad news, and then I have worse news! Okay, the bad news first. Since the elected official stepped down (he got a better offer elsewhere), the seat will not be voted upon by the general public, but rather only by the council itself. So, I would be able to present my campaign speech (which I have written and will post on my blog) on Thursday, and the council would vote. Now the worse news-the council let me know today that I am not in the correct ward to run. So, I revoked my application to city council. NEVERTHELESS, here is my awesome banner I made for myself…and thank you all for your incredible support during my extremely short campaign into government! 

Which is a darn shame, because I had already written my campaign speech I was going to present to the council!

My name is Tamarah Rockwood and I am delighted to be here tonight. My husband Ben and I moved here about 3 years ago in order to raise our 5 kids in a safe, unique and progressive community, which Bainbridge Island has fulfilled tenfold. I have a work history ranging from substitute teaching to assistant art curator to real estate agent to my much longer and more impassioned focus of writing. My children have been homeschooled for the past 9 years, and the number 1 thing I teach them is: always look for opportunities to improve. This sentiment extends beyond improving our selves. I encourage them to always find ways to improve their outlook, their perspective and the environment around them. Needless to say, when I saw the opportunity to serve our community, it was my pleasure to extend my hand. There are many strengths of Bainbridge Island which go unchallenged: our special character of the island, our fierce devotion to protecting both our land and our water health, as well as sustaining our local community through events and outreach. However, as the council is well aware, there are tough decisions which must be made in order to preserve these strengths. I was delighted to apply for this open position on Bainbridge Island city council because I not only share the love for our island home, but I was excited to participate in this opportunity to share my own strengths. I believe my patience, endurance, creativity and proclivity towards positive and progressive decisions will make me a logical choice for a councilmember. I thank the council for this opportunity to present my candidacy, and for their time.

Well, it was a short run…but it was a good run.

What I always say: it doesn’t matter if you win. It matters that you participate and contribute in positive ways. 


Seattle Art Museum Andrew Wyeth Film Sprint: The Rockwood Invasion


So, last night we finally made it. We attended the Seattle Art Museum’s Andrew Wyeth Film Sprint Screening!

This was the experience I wanted for me, as a creator, and for the kids…

I wanted to show them that they can participate in the arts, and it isn’t scary, and it isn’t impossible, and there are other people around us who are doing the same thing. I wanted to show them that art is accessible. It is made by real people, and you don’t have to have some magic gene to be an artist. We were all artists last night, and that is massive.

What they got to see last night was different filmmakers trying different mediums, with different narratives, different camera work, different lighting, different storylines and different people using their imaginations.

And we are a part of this imagination collective.

I wanted them to really see the long creative process of creating something. It is more than just putting something on a camera, or canvas, or paper and calling it good. We brainstormed ideas, drew out storylines, created storyboards and brought the cards with us for continuity…



We did shoots, then reshoots, then more reshoots…because the lighting was different, or the movement wasn’t what we wanted, or we decided to go in a different direction…

There were entire scenes we cut because we realized they weren’t what we wanted in the story at all, and that is editing…and editing takes a lot of chutzpah to get it right!

In the end, we created something that was simple, elegant and told a story of love…and we got our art out into the world. This has been an experience that will plant many seeds.


This is Philip Nadasdy who is the Manager of Public Programs at SAM, and he did a phenomenal job organizing this outreach. The rules and requirements were clear and easy to follow, the submission process was simple, and the community reward of being able to attend a screening with all of the filmmakers was incredible.


We got to sit in the reserved section for filmmakers, which was so exciting!!




As you can see, we were #22 out of 25 filmmakers. If you figure that every film is 5 minutes long, and there are 25 films…we were there for quite a while! But it was amazing watching every film with a completely different take on interpreting the art, and we loved the whole thing.


Selfies are mandatory.




I don’t know why The Rockwood Smile is so serious, but it is. We just have to accept that.




Then, we watched our film…

I recorded our film for 2 reasons:

  1. I want the kids to remember seeing their finished work on the screen.
  2. I want them to remember the applause. Applause might be the most rewarding aspect of creating, because you and your work is being acknowledged and appreciated by your peers. No one stands alone in art, and as a human being we all need to feel like we are being seen by someone else, and that our work is valuable and worthwhile. These are very basic human needs that often go underappreciated, in themselves, and I wanted to make sure the element of appreciation was captured.


Afterward we had champagne in the foyer! This was a very classy move by SAM and I loved this part.

Of course I loved this part. Champagne++


We didn’t win any awards, and I told the kids we probably wouldn’t. There were some seriously phenomenal films made with honest-to-goodness filmmakers, and they didn’t win either. I was very happy to see the kids’ reactions as happy for the winners, and grateful for being able to participate. No one was angry or disappointed, and it was a really solid great experience all the way through. I am extremely proud of the kids for this, alone.


I gave the kids the camera to take pictures while we were waiting for the awards to be given out…

Glenn decided to blind people with the flash, though.

I’m happy to say we have pretty darn normal kids.

In the end, we had a great time…wonderful experiences…and I am so grateful to be able to create art with amazing people.

Ushering in November Thankfulness

Step 1: The Wyeth Film Project

When it comes to art, a lot of the time people are hesitant to want to get involved.

It’s art. And especially with high art that sells for millions of dollars or is displayed in museums, it can be an intimidating task to observe the paintings and…understand what exactly you are supposed to be looking at.

That’s why everyone needs an art nerd for a friend 😉

You all know Andrew Wyeth’s artwork…he painted Christina’s World.

I absolutely love Wyeth’s work because of the use of Magical Realism he incorporates into his compositions.

Real quick: “ Magic Realism is a type of realism using contemporary subjects, often in cool detachment and sometimes injecting an eerie atmosphere. Juxtapositions of sharply rendered and detailed elements, both in the foreground and background, are used to develop an air of mystery or ambiguity. Although the paintings may incorporate everyday objects, their objective is not to appear dull or banal . Instead they attempt to show us the everyday world in new and unfamiliar ways. They remind us that there are still many mysteries in life. (source)

What I love about Magical Realism is the profound in the mundane; the extraordinary in the ordinary. It is interesting in Christina’s World that Christina is looking in the same direction we are looking…which makes the audience wonder if she is observing her world in the same way we are observing our world?

Anyway, amazing paintings and fascinating artist.

And then I discovered this:

Seattle Art Museum, Wed Oct 25 

Wyeth Film Sprint: Kickoff Session

As Andrew Wyeth was inspired by film, SAM invites local filmmakers to create short films inspired by Wyeth’s paintings in a weeklong sprint. This kickoff session will provide interested participants the need-to-know details of the competition. A public screening will held November 8.


If you think that when I found out about a short film contest, which must feature a Wyeth painting, and is totally free and open to anyone who wants to participate, that I would say, “Naahhh, I’ll pass,” then you haven’t been paying attention.

Because I registered Team Rockwood immediatelyand we were at the orientation meeting last night, and we are doing this.

I am so stupid excited about this because I love Andrew Wyeth’s work, and I love art community outreach programs, and I love short projects that don’t involve a ton of work…this is perfect!


All in all, This is going to be a pretty easy project…it needs to be 3-5 minutes, and it must feature one of Wyeth’s paintings that we have chosen. I chose Winter 1946.source: Wikipedia

So here’s what we’ve done so far!

First we showed up to the meeting! It was a lot more people than the organizers expected, which is great. This means people are excited about art, people want to be involved with art, and there is enough communication to get the word out. I love it.

So, we attended the SAM meeting last night, made sure our team was registered (it was!!) and selected the painting we wanted to use!

We got all the information we needed in order to fulfill the requirements for the contest…

And then we hit the pub down the street to brainstorm. Because everyone had a million ideas for what we could do!

And we got on the 10:05pm ferry, which means some of us were super tired.

….next post: STORYBOARDING!

My City Wants to Send Parents to Prison for 6 Months for Birthday Balloons: The Balloon Wars

“BAINBRIDGE ISLAND – City Councilman Michael Scott is looking to let the air out of balloons on Bainbridge Island…

The new ordinance would regulate balloons under the city’s litter control codes. Violations of those ordinances are misdemeanor infractions that can carry a maximum fine of $500 or jail time of up to six months.”

No doubt, trash can be very detrimental to the environment, and it is crucial for our conservation energies to be directed towards recycling, reusing, green energies and genuine biodegradable alternatives.

Recently my community banned plastic bags, and I think the ban on plastic bags was a fantastic move in the right direction for protecting the environment.  Similarly, I can see how reducing the amount of non-biodegradable balloons discarded every year would be a great boost not only in environmental recovery but also in awareness.

The problem that I have is the extremely dangerous measures for punishment the city council has tacked on to their environmental legislature. Issuing thousands of dollars in fines for balloons might be a deterrent for parents, but the punishment far exceeds reasonable measures.

Furthermore, issuing prison time for having a balloon in your house is clearly outrageous.

The fact is that although I can see how balloons might be perceived as useless…every single item in our grocery stores is covered in either cellophane or mylar. Pop tarts, granola bars, bags of chips, dog food, etc etc.

This is a picture of just a few items in the grocery store which uses the same non-biodegradable materials as balloons:


Balloons are hardly even the beginning.

I applaud our island for continuing to place environmental conservation at the forefront of legislature, but threatening the citizens with prison time and hefty fines is now how you create awareness or institute changes.

There are better ways to do this, and I will be encouraging our city council to look at less aggressive and less threatening methods to promote conservation within our community.

  1. Environemental Impact

Goodness knows environmental conservation is important to all of us. We can clearly see how important protecting the environment is to us islanders by the fact that we continue to reduce our speed limits to 25mph in order to reduce emissions on the planet. Considering we have about 23,000 people on this island and at least 20,000 of them are old enough to drive…those numbers add up! Every little bit counts. However, if we want to put our impact into perspective, one large cargo ship in the Puget Sound as the ability, and does, generate approx 5,200 tonnes of sulphur oxide pollution in a year.  This means that 15 of the largest ships now emit as much SOx as the worlds 760 million cars. So that is significant. 

Furthermore, “a mid-size cruise ship’s diesel engine can use 150 tonnes of fuel each day, which would emit as much particulate as one million cars. “ I couldn’t summarize the number of cruises available in the Port of Seattle so I have a picture of the schedule:

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According to environmentwashington.org, “Too much of the trash comes from single-use plastic bags, which can choke, suffocate or kill thousands of whales, birds and other marine wildlife each year. We saw the effects of this last year when a beached gray whale was found in West Seattle with 20 plastic bags in its stomach.” Which is why the plastic bag ban was so progressive!

However, are there not still plastic bags in the produce section? Cellophane covering the meat in the meat department? Vacu-sealed foods on every single aisle of the grocery stores? And don’t get me started on the fact that we are encouraged to pick up our dog poop with plastic bags.

The point is that while every single little change matters, the fight against balloons is hardly the tip of the iceberg.

What the council is clearly missing is the progress we could be making together as a community, rather than issue prison time for families celebrating birthdays with balloons, or celebrating graduations, or encouraging a loved one in a hospital, or making balloon animals during our 4th of July parade.

What the council should be doing is leading our island towards environmental conservation by rallying the cause of the use of biodegradable balloons, rather than threaten their citizens with prison time and thousands of dollars in fines.

II) Balloons are not the beginning of the problem, and they are not the end of the problem.


We can clearly see that although our local grocery stores provide us with dolphin shaped mylar balloons, they also provide us with Pop Tarts, which are sealed in mylar packaging. The granola bars we send to school with our children is also wrapped in mylar. The aisles and aisles of chips we have lined in our grocery stores are also packaged with mylar. Beyond these very obvious uses of mylar, mylar is also used in drum heads, jibs for yachts, and it is used to preserve pharmaceutical products, seeds and tissue samples.

There is the issue of releasing mylar balloons, or mylar balloons escaping and getting caught in power lines and causing power outages. However, due to the innumerable power outages our island experiences due to falling trees, I can conclusively say that mylar balloons are not our biggest problem with our power system.

Death by balloons:

According to The Balloon Council, “Even one child’s accidental death from choking on a latex balloon is unacceptable. The balloon industry emphatically agrees and every retailer, distributor and manufacturer is committed to helping create widespread public awareness among consumers in an effort to eliminate these needless events.

There’s still a way to go, but thankfully there’s been improvement. A look at the Consumer Product Safety Commission records from 1973-1998, shows that the number of annual small child choking deaths caused by balloons reached a high of 17 in 1989, but by 1998 the number was 4.”

According to the CPSC, 17 children died in 2010 from toy related deaths. Although balloons were on the list, other items listed were tricycles, rubber balls, non motorized riding toys, toy boxes, stuffed animals, balls, and powered riding toys.

According to the CDC, the leading causes of death in children are accidents, congenital malformations, or assault. Also according to their figures, 2,626,418 people died in 2014, from causes ranging from heart disease, cancer, respritary diseases, and diabetes, to name a few. over 55,000 people died that year from influenza. As we can clearly see, balloons are not on the CDC radar as a factor for death.

III) Environmental impact on Orcas in the Puget Sound

  • According to orcanetwork.org, 42 orcas have been born and survived in the Puget sound between 1998 and 2017. 71 orcas have been killed in that time.
  • The environmental impact on orcas will continue to decline with the new trans mountain expansion project in British Columbia, “the project will increase traffic in coastal waters to about 350 tankers per year. According to the company, this accounts for roughly 6.6 percent of all large commercials vessels trading in the region.”
  • There is a significant decrease in salmon populations in the Puget Sound which are directly affecting the orca populations, but I don’t see Doc’s Marina Bar & Grill taking their salmon burger off the menu.
  • whalereasearch.com needs donations and volunteers to keep whales protected.
  • What conservationists need is funding, donations, volunteers, and greater awareness. What they don’t need are families spending time in jail or donating thousands of dollars to pay fines. These punishments are not helping awareness to latex and mylar alternatives, and the city council needs to go back to the drawing board and reframe their goals.

IV) Where to begin on shifting the conversation

Let’s understand what is real and what is not:

-Latex rubber and the balloons made from latex are naturally biodegradable. They will decompose on their own in about six months. Sunlight speeds up the process, but just like an old log rotting in the forest or the kitchen scraps in your compost pile, microorganisms and the air will eventually break latex rubber balloons down.

-A good example: Qualatex Biodegradable Helium Quality Balloons


“I am expecting the Bainbridge community to be very supportive,” Scott wrote in an email to the Kitsap Sun.

Not so much, Michael Scott. You have a lot of work to do before we see eye to eye on this one.

Washington State – Intent to Homeschool: Forms and Deadlines


Homeschoolers need to know what subjects to teach, what science projects need to be explored, which literature covers each grade…and how the law applies to homeschool families!

Washington state has a very accommodating system for homeschoolers, I believe. Parents are acknowledged as perfectly competent teachers for their children, which I thoroughly appreciate. We are not required to meet with a public school representative, we are not required to submit work samples to a public school, and we are not required to associate with public schools on any basis.

We are required to prove our competence as a teacher, keep records of work samples and curriculum used, keep attendance, and file an Intent to Homeschool form every September.

If you have not gone over the legal requirements for Washington state homeschooling, and you’re kicking around the idea of homeschooling…or if you have already bought all your curriculum and are jumping in with two feet…here’s what you need to know!

I) The legal requirements for homeschool parents are:

(you can read more on WHO’s website)

Parent Qualifications

RCW 28A.225.010 (4)

To qualify to homeschool you must fulfill one of the following:

  • Have earned 45 quarter units of college level credit.
  • Attend a Parent Qualifying Course.
  • Work with a certificated teacher who meets with your student on the average of an hour a week.
  • Be deemed sufficiently qualified to provide home-based instruction by the superintendent of your local school district.


II) Also, the deadline for the Intent to Homeschool form is September 15th. So you need to get on this if you haven’t already!

The intent to homeschool form “It informs the school district that they are no longer responsible for the education of your child(ren). It protects you from any truancy prosecution.” (who.com) You need to get the form which you can download right here, and send it to your Superintendent’s office.  Which begs the question: where on earth is your local Superintendent’s office??

Here is a list of every single Superintendent office in the state of Washington and their contact information. You will need to get the form from your local Superintendent office, fill it out, and hand it to them. That’s it!

List of Washington state’s Superintendent Offices


III) More information about the form, for anyone with questions:


This article was originally published by the reputable Washington Homeschool Organization


For the Declaration of Intent Form, click here.

RCW 28A.200.010
Home-based instruction — Duties of parents.

Each parent whose child is receiving home-based instruction under RCW 28A.225.010(4)shall have the duty to:

(1) File annually a signed declaration of intent that he or she is planning to cause his or her child to receive home-based instruction. The statement shall include the name and age of the child, shall specify whether a certificated person will be supervising the instruction, and shall be written in a format prescribed by the superintendent of public instruction. Each parent shall file the statement by September 15 of the school year or within two weeks of the beginning of any public school quarter, trimester, or semester with the superintendent of the public school district within which the parent resides or the district that accepts the transfer, and the student shall be deemed a transfer student of the nonresident district.

Parents may apply for transfer under RCW 28A.225.220;

Q 1. Why file a declaration of intent?

A. 1. A declaration of intent form is required by law for homeschooling children between the ages of 8 and 18.

2. It informs the school district that they are no longer responsible for the education of your child(ren).

3. It protects you from any truancy prosecution.

Q 2. Who files the declaration of intent?

A. The parent or legal guardian of the student who will be homeschooled files the declaration.

Q 3. Do I ever file a Declaration of Intent for a child under 8 years of age?

A. No. We do not declare any children under the age of 8. Read more here.

Q 4. When do I start declaring and how often do I file a declaration of intent?

A. The first declaration is filed on the 8th birthday of your child, regardless of the time of year. We declare every year after that by September 15th.

Q 5. Where do I get a declaration of intent? Where do I file it?

A. Contact the superintendent of the school district in which you reside and request a declaration of intent. The declaration must be filed with the superintendent of your school district. Your district may choose to forward your form to another department. However, once filed with the superintendent of your district, you have met the obligation of the law. Your district’s mailing address will typically be on the form. It’s not necessary to have your form stamped “Received” by the district. Also, there is not obligation on the part of the district to mail the form to you each year.

Q 6. My district’s declaration of intent asks for more information than is shown on the above prescribed form. Do I have to provide it?

A. No. Any information you provide that is not on the above form is optional. We recommend that if your district’s declaration is not in compliance with the required format, that you print and submit the above form. For further clarification, please read “Declaration of Intent – Let’s Be Clear.”

Q 7. What does, “Supervised by a person certificated in Washington State.” refer to? Do I need to be supervised by a teacher?

A. No, you are not required to have a supervising teacher. Having oversight of a supervising teacher is one of the four ways you may qualify to homeschool. In this case, the parent is not considered the supervising certificated person. IF you are qualifying to homeschool by using the services of a supervising teacher you must check that box on the declaration of intent. You do not need to supply any information about that teacher.

Q 8. Do I need to provide proof to the school district that I am qualified to homeschool?

A. No.

Q 9. Do I need to meet with district personnel concerning my decision to homeschool or to file my declaration of intent form?

A. No.

Q 10. Is there any provision in law that allows a school district to refuse a declaration of intent filed at any time?

A. It’s important that a parent first meets one of the four qualifications to homeschool. Once qualified, there is no provision in law that allows a school district to refuse a declaration of intent filed at any time.

3 Ways To Watch the Eclipse Through Unconventional and Possibly Risky Methods


If you aren’t staring directly into the sun during the eclipse, clearly you are doing it wrong.

Every media outlet these days has tips on what eclipse-safe glasses to wear during this celestial event, and every Facebook group has discussed whether you can look at the sun or not.

The bottom line is: no, you can’t look at the sun.

Yes, you should use some ridiculously safe glasses to use while watching the eclipse.

No, no one is going to listen.

I mean, honestly…it’s like this is the first eclipse that has ever happened and we are just witnessing it for the first time. Despite that there was a partial eclipse a mere 3 years ago, and somehow we all survived that one and didn’t need to focus the sun through a telescope and shoot it into pig eyeballs to show the dangers of staring into the sun.

A pig’s eyeball, people.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/science/graphic-video-shows-what-could-11024585Screen Shot 2017-08-21 at 8.31.51 AM.png

So here’s what I’m going to do for us.

I’m going to list 3 other ways you can look at the sun, which might be unconventional, and they might be risky…but darn it, they’re all solid bad ideas…and that’s what we’re looking for!

  1. Spaghettisafe-eat-uncooked-pasta_5d03df19442011a0.jpgimgsrc

Do not underestimate the ability of gluten to ruin your digestive system, your friendships, your holidays, nor your eclipse. Think of all the fun times you will have today, staring at the sun through a bushel of spaghetti. Now, the real question is: cooked or uncooked? And that really is the kicker, isn’t it. I think uncooked would be safer, since theoretically the water in the cooked spaghetti might harness the powers of the sun and melt your face off. I mean, I don’t know. But you don’t want to chance these things.

2. A Sheep


Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, and all the little lambs will come to Him. If I were you, I’d just call it safe and wait for our impending doom of the eclipse by watching it through a sheep. I’m not sure if sheep are translucent, but I also have never tried. I think the wool would be the safest bet to viewing the sun as it fades away, though. Not sure on whether or not this is a heretical joke, either, but I’m going with it anyway.

3. A Toilet


This piece of art started a revolution in America, changing the entire nature and perspective of art. Surely, you can view an eclipse through a toilet and have the same life changing experience.


I wish us all the best of luck this morning, and please. Do not look at the sun.

If you do, post it on Facebook so we can all laugh at you because omg that would be soo hilarious. 

10 Alternatives Uses For Alternative Medicine

This article was first featured on 


alternative med.jpg

I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you something that “tastes just like sugar.” (It doesn’t. Not even sort of.)


That’s all the warning you’ll get for this one.


If you are an American woman, because I can’t officially speak for other countries who may or may not have similar circumstances, you have been invited, and have probably attended, a home-based alternative medicine meeting.

A home-based alternative medicine meeting is where someone you know is selling something you either already have or never thought you needed and they will bring someone into their house to do a song and dance about why you not only need it, but your life will improve because of it.

Think of it as LARPing informercials.

I have an EO that will cure orcs….

The thing with home-based alternative medicine meetings is that they suck. So much. I have no love for home-based alternative medicine meetings, and real friends don’t invite me.

My snark is available in glossy catalog form with a tear-out page in the back for subscriptions. Pro-level snark, my friends.

There was one year when an essential oils company got ahold of my church, and I went to a different essential oils meeting every few weeks forever.  I have watched these meetings showcase healing oils to cure headaches (fine), aches and pains (totally helpful), necklaces that cure epilepsy (wait), and diets that cure sciatica (what?).

Yeah, so anyway, that was when alternative medicine meetings really, finally jumped the shark for me.  I was done. I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you something that “tastes just like sugar.” (It doesn’t. Not even sort of.)

We have all been there, and I know some people who love these meetings so much they have made it a part of their life.  And more power to those ladies! It brings them joy in life, and I can’t disagree with that on any level.

However…the rest of us are stuck with mystery vials, amber necklaces, and gluten-free cakes with the density of Krypton.

What do you do with all this stuff?

I’ll tell you what you do:


10 Alternative Uses For Alternative Medicines:

1. Essential Oils

We’re getting the big guns out of the way first.

If you are a friend of mine who uses essential oils, I just want to tell you that I love you. But maybe you should skip to the part where I tear apart amber teething necklaces…

I think essential oils are really amazing oils. No two ways about it, they function in pretty amazing ways.  I think you can burn warts off with the lavender, or maybe it was the basil? Even if you have a cold, the aromatherapy is very helpful. But I draw the line when they start curing epilepsy or sciatica. I seriously draw the line when women tell me they spray their backyard chickens with lavender essential oils.  It is just snake oil and crazy women at that point.

So — what do you do with the bottles you are stuck with? Because you bought a few bottles to support your friend. I know it.

Lavender: Use a carrier pigeon to carry it away.

Frankincense: This is a great anti-fungal oil, and you can spray it on windows — or Facebook — to wipe the smug off.

Peppermint, Grapefruit, Chamomile, Lemon: Apparently, this is helpful for mood-enhancing. Possibly time-travel.

Tea Tree Oil: Great for healing and re-growing limbs.

Essential Oils for Cats: Because they weren’t imperious enough, as it was. I would suggest rosemary, if you must. Or lemon. Honestly, if you are putting essential oils on your cats, maybe you should ask them what they like.

It is important to remember that essential oils do have the ability to turn you into a vampire, and will render you unable to stand in direct sunlight after applying.

2. Coconut Oil

The ugly step-sister to essential oils, coconut oil will cure diabetes, help you lose 50 pounds, and fix your broken sprinklers.

Experts in the field highly suggest using coconut oil to lubricate sticks lodged in difficult places.

3. DIY Everything

Have you ever thought, “I could probably make that”? Sure! We all have!

Have you ever thought, “I should make my own sunscreen?” or “I should build my own goat”? Of course you have, and you have a Pinterest page to prove it.

If you say things like, “This is like soap,” then it isn’t soap.

An alternative use for something that is like soap could be to plant it in the ground and grow a Sanctimoni-Tree that produces it’s own Self-Righteous Sap.

4. Amber Teething Necklaces

You can chew on them all day long, and they still won’t give you the DNA you need to make dinosaurs.

Might as well just hang them on your rear-view mirror.

 5. Sugar

Sugar could possibly be the downfall of Western civilization.

It could be.

Is it really an alternative medicine, though? Well, Mary Poppins thought so…and are you going to argue with Mary Poppins? Have you seen anybody argue with Mary Poppins?  Of course not. Because, technically, they don’t exist anymore.

If you know someone who believes sugar is the work of the Devil, and thinks it is completely normal to make birthday cakes out of whipped cashews, palm oil, coconut oil, olive oil, and almond paste…then maybe they need to step slowly away from the naturopath cookbook they bought at an MLM meeting, and remember that sugar is actually OK. It’s OK. We’ll all just say that together: sugar is not our enemy.

But these Pinterest alternative recipes sure are.

Because saying something is like a cake does not make it a cake. It makes it a gray, gelatinous goo in a cupcake liner that has the consistency of toothpaste.

And no one should blow out a birthday candle in toothpaste.

6. Gluten

Oh yes. The Gluten.

Gluten is also not the downfall of Western civilization. Gluten-free is not the alternative to life.

Simply put, anything replacing gluten is an alternative to taste.

I don’t have a choice in the matter, but you still do! Go! Save yourselves from the overabundance of rice flour and potato starch!

An alternative use for gluten-free cinnamon rolls: solar panel epoxy.

Gluten-free pasta may be used for: fish bait

Gluten-free tortillas could possibly substitute for: bridal wedding veils.

 7. Fermented Anything

For a while, anything fermented would cure anything. A cold? Autism? Measles? The pox? Syphilis? Fermented green beans will cure them all through the magic of ferment.

If you have to hide something in the back of a hot closet in a pot for three weeks, then bring it out and try to convince me that it is the best wet moss I have ever tasted, I am going to tell you my opinions on the matter. And unlike your 3-month-old, mostly-forgotten sauerkraut, my opinions are fresh and zesty.

Fermented foods can be great. Truth be told, I do love me some good sauerkraut. From a jar. That I bought. From a store. That has the FDA backing it up.

The back of someone’s pantry that has mice and pantry moths traveling through it does not.

So, what else can we do with the thousands of mason jars filled with seasonal vegetables, fermented with milk and forgotten in time?

You back slowly away and do not make eye contact with the jar.

8. Any Drink That Rhymes With Pink.

If you think

any drink

that rhymes with pink

might help you shrink…

Perhaps an alternative use for the money you spent

would be better used, in a large percent,

On a bridge I have to sell

through a certified London cartel.

 9. Bone Broth

Bone broth is not an anagram for bourbon.

 10. Hugs

There is no alternative to hugs. Apply liberally and with great umph.

You will cure many ills and ailments with this one, though.

Motherhood And Impostor Syndrome


“What am I doing? What am I doing with this? I don’t know what I am doing as a mother. I’m out of ideas, I just know it . . . I am all washed up. My children are doomed. And I’m not even 40. Now what?”

-my mind


Twelve years ago, the Mom train rolled in to my station, and I have been singing “I-Think-I-Can” ever since.

What surprises me most about being a mother is how much I don’t feel like a mother.

When I was pregnant, I thought that some ethereal hormone would magically show up in my system and turn me into the mother that existed in my imagination. A mother with a firm countenance and gentle smile, always ready to tackle the conflicts of life with a plate of freshly-baked cookies. Suddenly, I would know how to style my hair to look respectable. My lapels would be starched, my pants ironed. This was the mother I believed I would become, once my uterus was activated with life. I was going to be the perfect mother. I just knew it.

None of this happened.

What actually happened was a rough pregnancy fueled by hives upon hives that lasted for a solid five months, followed by a swollen nether-region that was only comforted by the frozen infant diapers that clung to my mesh underwear, and every inch of hope that it wouldn’t look like that forever.

My new reality was sleeping when I could, eating like a horse, nursing with bleeding nipples, and ordering my husband to restock the lanolin, immediately.  My new reality was planning days for me and my kids to learn, explore, and thoroughly enjoy this incredible life we had together.

Starching lapels and baking cookies weren’t even on the radar. Not after the Mom train rolled in.

The thing was, I thought the train that rolled in was the Mom train. In the beginning, I was so distracted by all the expectations I had for myself — who I wanted to be, what mother I was going to become, what child I was going to raise, and all the other things I thought would be on this train and Amazon-Primed to me overnight — that it took me a long time to realize that it actually wasn’t the Mom train that showed up on my doorstep.

It was my train.

With my name on it. And everything I was, and everything I had become, was on that train. The bold woman with a never-ending supply of opinions was on that train. The slightly overweight woman who looked amazing in a corset was on that train. The woman I became after five years of marriage, after a college degree, after holding my children in my arms and listening to their beautiful little stories about mermaids and dinosaurs, was the mother I had become.

I never received that ethereal hormone, or an instruction manual on what a lapel even looked like.

When my train rolled in, I already was the mother I had actually always wanted to be.

I was my children’s mother. And we were going to do amazing things together.

The other morning, I woke up with a Mary Poppins song stuck in my head. Really, for no good reason whatsoever. I haven’t watched Mary Poppins in years, although I have the whole darn thing memorized. Why wouldn’t I? Mary Poppins is what all mothers should be, right?

(Julie Andrews is the bomb. There is no denying that.)

So, my brain goes retro that morning, well before coffee, and puts the Nanny song that the children chanted, while kneeling on their studio-set living room rug, on repeat:

If you want this choice position
Have a cheery disposition
Rosy cheeks, no warts!
Play games, all sort

You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring sweets.

A little on the demanding side from the kids, if you ask me. Always cheery? Very sweet? Rosy cheeks? 

Maybe this singing duet never saw their mother prep the house to host a birthday party with 25 guests, only to discover that the Pinterest cake would fail miserably and the trendy games would fall flat. That the brilliant idea of having Frozen-themed karaoke would also fail, because, unbeknownst to her, the other children aren’t allowed to watch TV. They don’t even know the songs that you have already heard 5 million times.

Not only is this mother out of ideas on how to save her daughter’s birthday at this point, but she spilled that spoonful of sugar, the one that can magically fix anything, on the cat.

Perhaps they had they never seen their mother after spending weeks prepping for a year of homeschooling and scouring the Internet for the best curriculum for each of her children, trying to figure out which math books to use for each child’s individual needs. Maybe they haven’t found their mother staring off into the distance, her hands still in the kitchen sink, while she worried about her son’s asthma this summer.

I don’t know if they ever wondered how their mother battled her own demons, who insisted she was completely inadequate — an outright impostor — after a playdate in a home with cream-colored carpets, zero screen time, and matching bento boxes lined up on the counter. A counter that doesn’t have jelly staining the edges, thanks to the toddler who has discovered how to make breakfast for herself before the crack of dawn.

Impostor Syndrome is the unwanted caboose on the train of motherhood. It is the trailing thoughts that give you the absurd ideas that you are a fraud. You suck at baking cookies. All of the decisions you have made for your family are wrong: Bottle instead of breast? Disposable diapers instead of cloth? Have you actually vaccinated your children? How is your marriage?

Who are you, anyway?

Impostor Syndrome makes us believe there is a Mom train. The Mom train doesn’t have mothers who have tattoos, or who homeschool, or who think iPads and Netflix are awesome. Somehow, this train defines us all, creating an expectation we can’t meet. It creates this ridiculous idea that there is something all mothers should become, and that anything less will destroy their children, their families, and themselves.

Rosy cheeks and cheery disposition, my butt.

The fact of the matter is . . . Mary Poppins wasn’t the mother.

She was the nanny. When her shift was over, she popped that magic umbrella of hers open and flew away.

Their mother, Mrs. Banks, was still there. She encouraged their father to interact with their children more lovingly. At the end of the story, she was the one holding her children’s hands as they walked home from their infamous kite-flying adventure, the one who got them into their pajamas and tucked them into bed. She was the one who, presumably, watched them sleep at night, grateful for every bump, scrape and hug she got to spend with them.

Mrs. Banks was not an impostor.

Mrs. Banks was mother. In her story, Mrs. Banks was involved in the suffragette movement to change the future for her children. Mrs. Banks had order in her house, and made sure her children were taken care of. Mrs. Banks never baked cookies to solve a crisis in the house, or even once picked up the iron.  She was a strong woman who loved her family, and in the end she was a damn good mother.

Just like I am.

Just like you are.

Sometimes it’s all Sunshine and Rainbows, and Sometimes it’s Water Coming Out of your Ceiling.


I have been enormously lucky for a very long time.

Well, part of it has been luck. Most of it has been a mosaic of prayer, micro-managing, working my tookus off, praying, hard work, micro-managing and agendas.

But either way, I have had a really good streak of luck for a long time, and for that I am grateful.

Because those days are ovah.

Okay, they’re not seriously ovah, but today has been a long day…and I realized that it’s been a while since this has happened to this extent, and honestly, that is something to be grateful for.

But before I get to honest gratitude, I get to whine about stuff.

I have a lot of homework to finish. I’m confident about it, but it’s still a lot. I have one paper that is due next week where I had to redo the entire thesis/primary source/secondary sources…which is fine. This one is going to work better, and I will hopefully do very well on the paper in the end. But it’s still starting from scratch, and that’s work. The dishes are backed up (which is normal for us). The laundry has piled up beyond what I am even normally comfortable with. The kids rooms need to be cleaned/detrashed (which is an effort in the girls’ room). Ben did a load of towels yesterday, and then the kids used them to clean up the flooded toilet downstairs, so now we’re doing towels again. Last night the toilet upstairs flooded (what is going on), and now there is a bubble in our ceiling downstairs. We’ve called contractors and they are “booked for months.” At least it isn’t dripping anymore. Ben went in to work today and the parking lot was entirely full because there is a Boston/Mariners game today, so he had to drive onto the ferry (which is a pretty penny). And then there were a bunch of streets blocked off for hours around the ferry terminal at that time because Grey’s Anatomy was shooting some car chase scenes on the Viaduct, so everyone was running late for work. I would like to just lay in bed and watch meaningless movies like Overboard all night, but Ben is out for the next few evenings and I need to take the time to spend working on the essays and crank them out so I have ample time to edit all next week.

The kids are fine, they are happy and being very helpful and productive. I am very proud of how well they are handling my suddenly extremely busy schedule, which they have never encountered before. This is the first time I have had a very serious and time-intensive schedule outside of homeschooling/home-tendering, and I was worried how it might affect the kids on the first round, but they have been very patient and very helpful, and that has been a delight for me.

Ben and I are wonderful, as always.

But all these little cracks crinkling around? They’re being filled with wine.