I am not a woman…

Well, I am a woman.

To invoke a little Rockwood humility: I am quite a woman. I have enough woman in me to spare, to be quite honest about it.

However, I am not a woman who shrinks from adversity.

I think this quality I possess is a given.

There are few obstacles I will not take on, few opponents I will not combat with full eye contact, and hardly an opportunity I will let pass.

I have “BRAZEN” written on my heart, and “FEARLESS” stamped upon my soul.

Except when it comes to aliens.

I have been scared, to the point of a phobia, of aliens ever since forever. And I have no reason for it. I don’t think there are flying saucers visiting us, and I don’t think skinny big eyed crazy people (excuse me, “crazy aliens.” I’m so speciest.) are feasible on earth. For one, the atmosphere is all wrong for them, and for two the sun is too bright for their eyes, plus there are so many microbes/viruses/bacteria/parasites on earth, I just don’t see how they would survive. I mean, seriously. It doesn’t make any sense that a being from another world can walk around on earth with no protective suit, and that walking around barefoot and naked is going to work out at all. I mean, I can’t even walk out to the garbage can in front of my house barefoot without stepping on a stick the wrong way, or getting pebbles lodged into my hobbit feet uncomfortably. So unless these little green guys are made out of sharkskin, I just don’t see how this is possible. Also, how are they not passing out from breathing our air? How are they walking around when they have, like, 1% muscle mass on their tiny frames? And they are always walking around at dusk, apparently, so what do they do about mosquitos? Do they get moths stuck on their gigantic eyeballs all the time or what?

Honestly. None of this makes sense.

Many, many hours of my life have been spent on rationalizing why aliens are the dumbest idea of the 20th century.

OH SURE THERE COULD HAVE BEEN ALIENS IN EGYPT, OR IN MAYAN CULTURES, OR IN THE HIMALAYAS OR IN SCOTLAND…BUT WE JUST WON’T KNOW, NOW WILL WE.

Anyway.

The notion of something from out of our world visiting has always been too much for my tender sensibilities, and I have not been able to watch “Encounters of the Third Kind,” or “E.T.” or “Alien,” or anything. My stomach gives out, my knees cease to function and all rational thought leaves my normally rational brain, and I am useless to any function.

I remember one time my dad gave me a little inflatable green alien (WHYY DAD??), and I was very nice and put it on my bookshelf in my living room.

Until the next morning when I nearly peed myself when I was walking into the kitchen to get coffee, and there was an alien staring at me from the other room. I don’t need this kind of stress in my life, so that little guy was thoroughly deflated. (omg.)

Fortunately, I have grown up. A little bit. I have finally sat through the entire movie of “Encounters of the Third Kind” without having to run out of the room to throw up. I actually let the kids watch “E.T.,” and they totally showed their Mom up by saying it was “boring.”

Even though there is a slimy alien with koala shrieking abilities and a contagious fever (I TOLD YOU THEY’D GET SICK HERE) running around someone’s house the whole time.

But I’ve gotten through a few classic alien movies so far, because I’m taking steps here, and this next step was a big one for me. It was something I avoided like the freaking plague the entire time it was playing, and I had zero interest in watching it or even hearing about the stories…until now. Because I’m ready for this.

I have watched many episodes of X-Files this year…and I’m doing okay.

There are some really creepy alien episodes I haven’t watched yet, but the fact that I could watch many episodes…alone…means I am making progress.

I’m pretty sure this is Adulting: Boss Level.

Next up: Ghosts.