This article originally appeared on Ravishly.

What Monday Morning Looks Like For A SAHM…In The Summer

Contributed by Tamarah Rockwood |

You had it all planned out last night as you were falling asleep, that you were finally going to be that mom who woke up at 6am…just to get in her morning jog.  Or stretching.  Something more physical than stumbling down the stairs towards the coffee pot.

Ahh, summer is here and the air is ripe with possibilities.

Should you go to the beach today? Is today a picnic at the park kind of day? Should you stay home and finish projects all day? Are you going to get the kids decked out in overalls and bandanas and finally clean the garage? Or a closet? Or something?

Summer is your oyster.  And you spent all Sunday night laying in bed thinking of how you were going to grab that oyster by the horns, and ride it into something substantial.  Heck, by the end of Monday, you could be finished with a million things!  A bazillion, if you really stuck to the list!

Unfortunately, this is what Monday morning really looks like:

1. Your Alarm Has No Power Here

Well, for one, you forgot to charge your phone last night.

Two, see those two alarms?  6am and 7am.  You were going to wake up well before the kids got up, and you were going to make a pot of coffee and finish all your reading, lounging, emails and catching up on your Daily Mail  and CDAN gossip. You had it all planned out last night as you were falling asleep, that you were finally going to be that mom who woke up at 6am…just to get in her morning jog.  Or stretching.  Something more physical than stumbling down the stairs towards the coffee pot.

But today is not that morning. For verily, the 6am alarm went off…and then the 7am alarm went off. And you finally got to the coffee pot at 8am.

2. Your Trello List Is Already Behind Schedule

You really, seriously wanted this week to be different!

Last night before you crashed into bed, after staying awake for most of “Halt and Catch Fire,” and watching Donna lose her marbles and Joe getting stuck in the basement of data entry (he kinda had it coming to him)…and Gordon was doing cocaine?  WTH?  Anyway, you didn’t fall asleep through the end, like last week, and you took it as a sign that this was when you were going to get the ship back on track.

Except you are already 2 hours behind, so forget it. You’re drinking your coffee in your green flannel pjs without a bra, and the kids can have toast and bananas for breakfast.  (tomorrow you’ll make cinnamon waffles….tomorrow….)

3. If You Homeschool, You’re Still Doing School

We’re just kind of doing it…loosely, during the summer. But you have always had these grand plans of taking care of extra-curricular subjects over the summer.

What if we really buckled down and did German on Duolingo, or focused on piano finally?  An art lesson every morning? Yes!!

Except you are freaked out about handwriting and writing composition, so in reality you are going to keep working on that.

4. Summer Programs Are Freaking Expensive

I would love to utilize more summer programs for the kids.  Lego camp? Horse riding camp? Nature camp? AWESOME CAMP.

Except that these babies are running ~$200, for a few hours per day, for one week. For one kid. Who of us have more than one?  Anyone else have 5?

$1000 for one week of part-time Lego camp is not really in our budget.

I could buy and entire fleet of Legos and build a scaled model of Middle Earth for that amount of money.  Plus, that is only one week out of the whole summer.  You still have to figure out what to do with the rest of the 11 weeks that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars.

Like the beach…maybe we need to find our bathing suits and sunscreen after breakfast.

5. By 10am, You Don’t Know If You Are Genuinely Excited About Life…

or if you have just put too many sugar cubes in your 5th cup of coffee.

One of many.

What you can barely see in this bucket is a clear, moon jellyfish.

This thing was about 3 inches in diameter, and easy to see in the bucket if you were there…not so much on a picture.

Last night we went to the beach with the kids to play in a little inflatable boat and wade in the water.  I keep forgetting it is saltwater, because from where we are it looks like a lake.  But saltwater it is, and it is sticky and a little grimy; most certainly not lake water.

We discovered the plume of jellyfish in the most unfortunate way: while swimming with them. Now, I will give you peace of mind by saying no one got stung. These guys are pretty harmless, and there was no pain or cause for alarm.  I was pretty sure of this, being a nature trivia junkie, and I reconfirmed it with some research and asking the locals (“clear is fine, yellow is painful, avoid the red.”)

However, the discovery of hundreds of jellyfish floating merrily next to the kids’ legs may have been a good time for the jellies, but it did not go over well with the kids.  At all.  One in the water panicked, and started swimming into deeper Sound (had to turn him around and direct him onto the shore). Another cried all the way back to the car out of fear of death by moon jellies, and most of the way home. And the rest were generally grossed out during the ordeal. Finally, one fell on the beach and scraped both knees on barnacles, and was a little bloody mess. Some beaches here are so covered in barnacles it is impossible to walk in flip flops…boots are kind of an absolute must, especially on this beach, in particular.

We placated the situation with Happy Meals and showers.

I am grateful the kids are still young enough that this still works.

Hey, anyone else stupidly excited about Jurrasic World?

Because I am stupidly excited about Jurrasic World. I’m taking a couple of the older kids to the movies this afternoon, and I am going to dream about dinosaurs all night.

I love dinosaur movies. Godzilla. The Land Before Time. King Kong, especially the recent King Kong .  I think I love that we are trying to recreate the world using our imaginations…and sometimes that is amazing.  Sometimes, it is weird. Sometimes it is terrifying…but that’s what a good story is. It takes you somewhere that you could never get to on your own.  And I love a good journey 🙂

SO, with that being said: today is a great pizza day!

The best thing about this recipe: it actually tastes like pizza.

It isn’t made out of cauliflower, quinoa, tofu, asparagus or unicorns.

It is a straight up, solid, easy pizza recipe.

Okay, so I have been making this pizza all week for lunch, because it is amazingly easy…and the kids go nuts over it.

There are no leftovers with this pizza.

Ben tried it the other day, and even he said it “tastes really good,” was “very filling,” and is “a great lunch.”

These are reviews us mothers live for. 😉  Seriously, after a few days of sandwiches at home, you have to start thinking outside the box for meals.  And since we eat at home every day, I run out of interesting ideas unless I spend a good hour in front of a notebook once a week brainstorming meal planning.

So here you go! An easy pizza recipe anyone can make!

Ingredients:

Dough-

• 5 cups flour
• 1 cup oil
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1 cup of warm water
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 Tbsp yeast

Sauce-

• 3 cups of canned/diced tomatoes
• 1 can of tomato paste
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• 1/2 red bell pepper, sliced
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper, sliced
• 2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese

What’chu Do:

1. Preheat oven to 125F
2. Add the yeast, warm water and sugar to a mixing bowl. Let sit and froth for 5 minutes.
3. Add flour, salt, and oil and mix until smooth. You may need to add a little more water, but add it ta tablespoon at a time.
4. Pour the dough onto parchment paper on a baking sheet, smooth out to all corners and put the sheet into the oven to rise for 30 minutes.
5. While the dough is rising, make the sauce, slice up the bell peppers and shred the cheese
6. Take the dough out of the oven and raise the temperature to 375F
7. Pour the sauce and bell peppers onto the dough and spread gently with a spatula
8. Sprinkle the cheese over the sauce
9. Place back into the oven for 20 minutes
10. Let cool before you start cutting it…and then enjoy thoroughly!!

Happy Pizza Kids

Last night I had crazy dreams.

I had a dream some guy gave me a potion of some sort…but it looked weird.

Well, everything looked weird. The whole setting was in this orange light, 1970s blurry Kodak lens filter. Everything around me was old, but I was moving out so it was cool. There was this horrible marbled shag carpet on the floor, there was a dusty exercise bike that someone had tried giving to me in the living room that I passed as I was walking out, and I was leaving.  No idea where, but this place I had called home was old and, baby, I was movin’ on.

After that I started running, in an orange dress, to boot.

I just ran and I had all this crazy energy to run, which is not like me at all. I really hate running…but I just had this fire inside me, and I was going somewhere. It was the most incredible feeling.  Just running without pain.  All joy.  Going somewhere amazing, but who knows where that was.

Who was the guy with the potion?  He looked like Mr. Wizard, but his appearance was brief. I think he said, “you need this,” and then just watched me take off.  And the potion…it was more like these little pills of light, and I don’t remember taking them. I just held them in my hand and they incorporated themselves into me.

Man that was a weird dream.  But I feel amazing this morning.

This article originally appeared on Ravishly.

10 Alternatives Uses For Alternative Medicine

Contributed by Tamarah Rockwood | 06.25.15 4:00am

@tamrmint

I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you something that “tastes just like sugar.” (It doesn’t. Not even sort of.)

That’s all the warning you’ll get for this one.

If you are an American woman, because I can’t officially speak for other countries who may or may not have similar circumstances, you have been invited, and have probably attended, a MLM meeting.

A MLM meeting is a “multi-level marketing” meeting, where someone you know is selling something you either already have or never thought you needed and they will bring someone into their house to do a song and dance about why you not only need it, but your life will improve because of it.

Think of it as LARPing informercials.

I have an EO that will cure orcs….

The thing with MLM meetings is that they suck. So much. I have no love for MLM meetings, and real friends don’t invite me.

My snark is available in glossy catalogue form with a tear-out page in the back for subscriptions. Pro-level snark, my friends.

There was one year when Pampered Chef got ahold of my church, and I went to a different Pampered Chef meeting every few weeks for ever.  I watched them showcase vegetable peelers, knives, pots, colanders, bowls…you know, all the stuff I already have in my kitchen. But their bowl will cook a chicken….in a microwave…in 40 minutes!!

Lady.

1. I don’t cook dinners in the microwave. I am far too kitchen-elite for that.

2. It is quicker in the pressure cooker, anyway. (noob)

At some point I am in the back of the room, trying to keep my brain from ejecting itself from my skull, with a pencil and some random envelope I found at the bottom of my purse doing the math on this lady. “Half the time,” “you can cook this in 5 minutes,” “steaming is a fraction of the time.”  Dude…according to her, and math doesn’t lie, you can cook a whole chicken, with steamed green beans, and mashed potatoes, in 2.3 minutes.  #win.

Yeah, so anyway that was when MLM really, finally jumped the shark for me.  I was done. I couldn’t listen to another puerile sales pitch in someone’s living room, promising the moon and then selling you a bowl.

It’s a bowl. I don’t care how you cut it….a bowl is a bowl, no matter if it is glass, plastic or baby seal leather.  IT’S A BOWL.  I am listening to someone sales pitch me a bowl. gah.

We have all been there, and I know some people who love MLM meetings so much they have made it a part of their life.  And more power to those ladies. It brings them joy in life, and I can’t disagree with that.

However.

The rest of us are stuck with yellow Tupperware bowls, sundry kitchen gadgets, essential oils, coconut oils, carrier oils and pink drinks.

What do you do with all this stuff??

I’ll tell you what you do:

10 Alternative Uses For Alternative Medicines

1. Essential Oils

We’re getting the big guns out of the way first.

If you are a friend of mine who uses essential oils, I just want to tell you I love you.  But maybe you should skip to the part where I tear apart amber teething necklaces…

I think essential oils are really amazing oils. No two ways about it, they function in pretty amazing ways.  I think you can burn warts off with the lavender, or maybe it was the basil.  Even if you have a cold, the aromatherapy is very helpful. But I draw the line when they start curing epilepsy or sciatica. I seriously draw the line when women tell me they spray their backyard chickens with lavender essential oils.  It is just snake oil and crazy women at that point.

So what do you do with the bottles you are stuck with? Because you bought a few bottles to support your friend. I know it.

Lavender – use a carrier pigeon to carry it away.

Frankensense –  This is a great anti-fungal oil, and you can spray it on windows, or onto facebook, to wipe the smug off.

Peppermint, Grapefruit, Chamomile, Lemon – Apparently this is helpful for mood-enhancing, and possibly time-travel.

Tea Tree Oil – Great for healing and re-growing limbs.

Essential Oils For Cats – Because they weren’t imperial enough, as it was. I would suggest rosemary, if you must. Or lemon. Honestly, if you are putting essential oils on your cats, maybe you should ask them what they like.

It is important to remember that essential oils do have the ability to turn you into a vampire, and will be unable to stand in direct sunlight after applying.

2. Coconut Oil

The ugly step-sister to essential oils, coconut oil will cure diabetes, help you lose 50 pounds and fix your broken sprinklers.

Experts in the field highly suggest using coconut oil to lubricate sticks lodged in difficult places.

3. DIY-everything

Have you ever thought, “I could probably make that”?  Sure! We all have!

Have you ever thought, “I should make my own sunscreen?”  or “I should build my own goat”? Of course you have, and you have a Pinterest page to prove it.

If you say things like, “This is like soap,” then it isn’t soap.

An alternative use for something that is like soap could be to plant it in the ground and grow a Sancimoni-Tree that produces it’s own Self-Righteou-Sap.

4. Amber Teething Necklaces

You can chew on them all day long, and they still won’t give you the DNA you need to make dinosaurs.

Might as well just hang them on your rear-view mirror.

5. Sugar

Sugar could possibly be the downfall of Western Civilization.

It could be.

Is it really an alternative medicine, though?  Well, Mary Poppins thought so…and are you going to argue with Mary Poppins? Have you seen anybody argue with Mary Poppins?  Of course not. Because technically they don’t exist anymore.

If you know someone who believes sugar is the work the Devil, and thinks it is completely normal to make birthday cakes out of whipped cashews, palm oil, coconut oil, olive oil and almond paste…then maybe they need to step slowly away from the naturopath cookbook they bought at a MLM meeting, and remember that sugar is actually okay. It’s okay.  We’ll all just say that together: sugar is not our enemy.

But these Pinterest alternative recipes sure are.

Because saying something is like a cake does not make it a cake. It makes it a gray, gelatinous goo in a cupcake liner that has the consistency of toothpaste.

And no one should blow out a birthday candle in toothpaste.

6. Gluten

Oh yes. The Gluten.

Gluten is also not the downfall of Western civilization.  Gluten Free is not the alternative to life.

Simply put, anything replacing gluten is an alternative to taste.

I don’t have a choice in the matter, but you still do!  Go! Save yourselves from the overabundance of rice flour and potato starch!

An alternative use for gluten free cinnamon rolls: solar panel epoxy.

Gluten free pasta may be used for: fish bait

Gluten free tortillas could possibly substitute for: bridal wedding veils.

7. Fermented Anything

For a while, anything fermented would cure anything. A cold? Autism? Measles? The pox? Syphilis? Fermented green beans will cure them all through the magic of ferment.

If you have to hide something in the back of a hot closet in a pot for 3 weeks, and bring it out and try to convince me that it is the best wet moss I have ever tasted, I am going to tell you my opinions on the matter. And unlike your 3 month old mostly forgotten sauerkraut, my opinions are fresh and zesty.

Fermented foods can be great. Truth be told, I do love me some good sauerkraut.  From a jar. That I bought. From a store. That has the FDA backing it up.

The back of someone’s pantry that has mice and pantry moths traveling through it does not.

So, what else can we do with the thousands of mason jars filled with seasonal vegetables, fermented with milk and forgotten in time?

You back slowly away and do not make eye contact with the jar.

8. Any Drink That Rhymes With Pink.

If you think

any drink

that rhymes with pink

might help you shrink…

Perhaps an alternative use for the money you spent

would be better used, in a large percent,

On a bridge I have to sell

through a certified London cartel.

9. Bone Broth

Bone broth is not an anagram for bourbon.

10. Hugs

There is no alternative to hugs. Apply liberally and with great umph.

You will cure many ills and ailments with this one, though.

This article originally appeared on Ravishly.

Disneyland: The Expensive-ist Place On Earth

Contributed by Tamarah Rockwood | 06.29.15 2:00am

@tamrmint

Image: Wikipedia

It seems some people prefer a hotel. Which just boggles my mind. Don’t you want to wash yourself in the morning with biodegradable, nature-friendly soap in the deep part of a stream flowing with snowpack run-off??

Once in a while I will be around families who are talking about their upcoming summer vacations.

Destinations like camping, Mexico, Hawaii, visiting family in New York, or Disneyland might come up.

I am definitely more of the camping-oriented vacationer. I want to find a flat place to pitch my tent in the middle of the woods, preferably next to a stream, wake up in the morning and get coffee going in my Coleman percolator, and then stoke the morning fire in my double-lined flannel jacket while my brew percolates.  Quiet. Some birds in the distance. Trees towering above you in a canopy of nature. The brink of dawn creeping through the pines. The smell of a firepit happily flaming away. How can you not absolutely love everything about that??

But it seems some people prefer a hotel. Which just boggles my mind. Don’t you want to wash yourself in the morning with biodegradable, nature-friendly soap in the deep part of a stream flowing with snowpack run-off?? You would seriously prefer to sleep in a bed, rather than find the one comfortable spot on the hard earth in between rocks and twigs?!  Unfathomable.  But, it is what it is.

Now, I am a frugal miser who enjoys canned tamales heated over the wild flames of a pit, so it is difficult for me to see the joy in having to go to a restaurant when you are on vacation. From my eyes, a vacation is getting away from it all, which includes restaurants. They take soo looong. It takes an hour or longer to get in and get out of a restaurant. That is an hour I could have spent staring at the billions of stars while resting in front of a campfire curled up in my army-green fold-up camping chair.

Be that as it may, I have to admit that with a family of 7…maybe a few days enjoying Disneyland’s firework show could be more enjoyable than throwing pinecones onto the fire. Maybe. Although it certainly claims to be the happiest place on earth, it is also a pretty chunk of change. Especially for a family our size.

We also haven’t been on a proper vacation for 2 years, and it certainly isn’t happening this year after our huge move out of state…so maybe I am just more sensitive to hearing where people are going, these days.  It seems to me like Disneyland is definitely the crème de la crème of vacation destinations.

So.
I cross-reference and cross-check prices on everything. From canned beans to trips to Disneyland…there is a budget spreadsheet just waiting to be created.

So, I ask myself: “Self, how much would you spend at Disneyland for a 3 day trip?” and then I would counter that with, “Self, how much could that money get you…anywhere else?”

Let’s go!

Fortunately, Priceline cannot calculate a trip to Mordor.

This is why Staycations were invented.

And camping!

This article originally appeared on Ravishly.

The Greatest Red Wine Pairings Of All Time

In a breakthrough research study, that no one has ever tested before in the history of science, drunk scientists in Washington have declared that “red wine can help you lose weight.”

Yes, you heard that right. Your favorite beverage is the key to weight loss.

Goodbye Weight Watchers!  So long Jenny Craig. We have a new BFF in the house.

“…Lead researcher Professor Min Du, from Washington State University explaining how it works.

He says: ‘Polyphenols in fruit, including resveratrol, increase gene expression that enhances the oxidation of dietary fats so the body won’t be overloaded.

‘They convert white fat into beige fat which burns lipids (fats) off as heat, helping to keep the body in balance and prevent obesity and metabolic dysfunction.’”

Ladies!

This is fantastic news!!

My new hobby: Pinterest, here I come.

“New research has found that an ingredient in grapes and berries turns your fat into calorie-burning ‘brown’ fat.

Of course this ingredient, known as resveratrol, can also be found in blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and apples.”

I have a theory.

My theory is, if you had a feast of blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, apples and red wine…you would magically grow a scarlet toga with an 18 inch golden belt, and be renamed “Aphrodite.” Which is a pretty sweet deal, if you think about it.

But we can’t all be Aphrodite. That would just be silly.  For one, it is very difficult to pronounce “Aphrodite” while drunk (#experience).

The only way we can control this mass transformation of all women on earth becoming Aphrodite is to pace ourselves.  We must have a devoted discipline with this newfound power of transfigurating metamorphosis.

The best way we can solve this problem is to pair our wine with our meals throughout the day.

Step 1: Fruit and wine. Step 2: World Domination…I mean, “weight loss.”

Starter Meal Plan:

A light cabernet sauvignon with our morning strawberry poptart/s.

Perhaps a pint of saucy pinot noir with your tuna salad lunch.

A bottle of petite sirah with goldfish crackers you stole from the kids’ snack cupboard in the afternoon.

Another bottle of merlot, while you finish watching “Jake and the Neverland Pirates.” Ugh. Captain Hook is not sexy in this version, at all. What happened to the sexy Captain Hook. What if Michael Fassbender wore that jacket…yes!! Hollywood needs to get on this, pronto. I need to text someone this great idea. 

A jug of “red wine blend” with to finish the evening as you rock out to your hidden Taylor Swift albumbs on ur iphone, and she is so cool. How can she be so cool. Talor is THE BEST. SHE HAS THE BEST HAIR. OMG I love her hair. And her shoes. I should find her shoes on Amazon. And buy them all.

I don’t even need food at this point. Just me and this song. That’s all I need.

At this point in the night, you are so in love with your jams, you don’t even remember that you are supposed to eat more than goldfish and poptarts.

But it doesn’t even matter. You are just happy and in love…and on the road to weight loss!

#science

This article originally appeared on Ravishly.

Why Parenting Is Like A Silicon Valley Startup

Jared has diaper duty. Forever.

I am going all nerdy on y’all tonight.

We have been watching Silicon Valley from the very beginning of the show.

Naturally, at first with dubious and skeptical expectations, since geeks are naturally dubious and skeptical of other geeks, particularly actor nerds passing themselves off as geeks.  I will gladly admit that this show actually does an accurate representation of what living through a Start Up is like.  From the subtle in-fighting, to the khaki pants, to the sloppy button-up shirts, they look like Start Up geeks. Plus, the emotional ups and downs of software vs. hardware, hitting project goals and yet still making $0, if you’re lucky.  The endless hours spent at the keyboards, 20 hour workdays, dealing with odd landlords and nosy neighbors.  Plus: Ever wonder how these guys have health insurance?  lol…health insurance in a Start Up.  

The thing is, the more I watch this show, and the more I think back to the endless years in Start Up culture that we experienced, the more I keep thinking: “This is way too similar to parenting.”

Endless nights working? check.

Emotional toil? check.

Your clothes don’t match/fit anymore? check.

Everyone has a completely unhelpful, and most likely arbitrary piece of advice for you at the worst times: check.

You set the living room on fire by overloading the servers that had the worst cabling on the face of the earth? well, no.

But I have set the oven on fire by trying to reheat biscuits.  #fireextinguishers #everythingisokay

Follow me on this nerdy venture:

5 Ways Parenting Is Like Surviving a Silicon Valley Start Up:

1. Inexperience does not negate your position as the CEO 

If you have never had experience as a parent before, but read about it in a book once, then congratulations! You are perfect parenting material!

And you have the job.

Start Ups were notorious for putting the one person who couldn’t code as the head of the company, just to give them something to do.  Sometimes it worked out and they did actually rise to the occasion to lead their company to something great…like being acquired.  Probably by Oracle.

But as a parent, you have no out.  You are in this ship for the long haul, and you better make the most out of naptimes by either actually relaxing for an hour…or you make a game plan for your new position.

“Today, you may take the bottle, my son. But tomorrow, you take the world.” check.

2. Complete lack of “domain knowledge.”

If you have ever had the pleasure of getting conflicting information on key components to raising your infant “correctly,” then you have “lack of domain knowledge.”

“In software engineering domain knowledge is knowledge about the environment in which the target system operates…” Basically, it’s when you know your stuff with what you’re doing.

For example. Let’s say you and your spouse have a baby who gets fussy in the afternoon.  You guys can’t figure out what on earth is going on, because the baby is fine for the rest of the day, but right around 2pm she just loses her little mind. And you guys are just at your wit’s end about this…until you realize that around 2pm, you have been feeding her mashed peas, and those peas were giving her gas!  Problem solved!! *high 5s*

You have now acquired domain knowledge.

3. Everyone else wants to give you their domain knowledge too.

What works for one Start Up will probably not work for the next. What worked for Facebook and Twitter will absolutely, totally not work for an app that remotely checks your tire pressure.

In the same way, what works for one baby will probably not work for another. I have 5…I have had to change the game so many times, I don’t even remember where I started.

But try bringing up your ideas about cloth diapers, breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding, when to start them on solids, or bigger topics like circumsicion and vaccinations.

You will find a circus of domain knowledge which somehow finds its way to you, tout de suite.

4. Companies who ignore revenues in order to keep striving for the “Perfect Product.”

This just is a recipe for failure in any company.

When the ideal of the product overshadows the realities of finance/growth/customers/lack of customers, then the only thing that will survive in the company is the ideal.

I know the image of Norman Rockwell’s paintings of happy, quiet children reading 500 page classical novels in front of a fireplace somewhere in Connecticut is the ideal we have been given for parenting…but it is a big load of idealized hogwash.

Real start ups are messy, in an uninsulated garage, underfunded, overworked and definitely hitting the wine bar after dinner.  Before going back to fix code that you just realized was buggy during your hamburger.

Similarly, real parenting is long, arduous, emotionally taxing, euphoric, defeated and….worth it.  Completely.

We can’t strive for the “ideal parenting” or the “ideal child,” and expect it to turn out the way we think. What we have is a beautiful child, who is ours to love, and the time available to create a relationship with them to last a lifetime.

5. “The Team Behind It”

Bill Gross, the founder of “Idealab,” has had many brilliant things to say about how companies live or die.

One thing he said about the teams that make up companies was fantastic:

“Gross said, “I never thought I’d be quoting boxer Mike Tyson on the TED stage, but he once said, “Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the face.” And I think that’s so true about business as well. “So much about a team’s execution is its ability to adapt to getting punched in the face by the customer.”

If this doesn’t summarize parenting, I don’t know what does.

Things are going to come out of the blue and hit you in the face before you know it even existed, and your ability to adapt to those punches to the face is going to determine how you adapt to parenting.

When our first daughter was 3 months old, our pediatrician said she was a little “concerned” about a clicking in her hips.  So off we went to xrays and experts, only to find out that she didn’t even have a hipjoint on her right side, and the left was a little meager as well.  Hip dysplasia took us to doctors, harness fittings and xray technicians for years. But we took each doctor’s visit as another bold step in making sure our beautiful daughter had a fully functioning hip socket that would never give her trouble, ever again.

Parenting is never like it says in the pamphlets and books people give you while you’re pregnant.

Parenting is a wild roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

But parenting has been the biggest thing I will ever do, and I look forward to every defeat and every euphoric moment, because I will be spending those moments with the only team I have ever wanted. And if that isn’t succeeding in life, I don’t know what is.

I see you sitting there, just waiting for a conversation. With me.

There are many things I cannot eat.

Doughnuts. Pizza. Sandwiches. Scones. Crumpets. Eclaires.

My journey into Celiac territory has always been interesting. Not only do I get to enjoy foods that are naturally gluten free, such as steak, sushi, ice cream and wine, but I also get to explore new ways of cooking in order to still enjoy recipes that traditionally use flour.

I’m lookin’ at you, gravy.

However, I have always enjoyed beer.

Whaaattt….beer?? But…beer is made from wheat, rye and barley?! You can’t drink beer.

What if I told you I have never had even the smallest reaction to beer.  Ever. Because beer is gluten free.

 mind. blown.

Here’s the deal: there is science to back this up.  I am going to be quoting many places which have the results of what the question is, what it means, how it compares to other products…and then we can all continue to enjoy Irish Death in peaceful harmony.

Thank you.

1) What is gluten, and why do beer companies claim their products are gluten free, if they are using rye, wheat and barley?

Gluten is an umbrella term used to describe a mixture of individual proteins found in many grains. Celiac disease (celiac sprue or gluten intolerance, gluten sensitivity) is an autoimmune disorder that is triggered by the ingestion of some of these glutens. People with classic celiac disease are intolerant to the gluten proteins found in wheat, barley, rye, spelt and a couple other lesser known grains. All these grains have a relative of the gluten protein. Interestingly, corn, rice and sorghum also have gluten proteins but are not toxic to celiacs. Herein lies one of the fundamental problems; the use of the term gluten intolerance to cover only certain gluten containing grains is confusing for consumers and food manufacturers alike. Unfortunately, it seems that the inertia for using celiac disease and gluten intolerance as synonyms is unstoppable. Therefore, it becomes the responsibility of both consumers and manufacturers to make sure the terms being discussed are defined and understood.

As this relates to beer, there is a gluten protein found in barley. This protein is known as hordein. Wheat gluten is known as gliadin. Rye gluten is known as secalin. Presently, assay tests (or lab tests) are only commercially available for the testing of gliadin. We are unaware of any tests for hordein or any manufacturer that presently tests for hordein (Note: If you know of anyone that does in fact test specifically for hordein, please let us know). Therefore the idea that a barley based beer can be considered gluten free based upon the lack of testing is very difficult to fathom. It should be understood that a company using an assay test for gliadin to test for hordein will not return accurate results.

There has been widespread speculation that the brewing process eliminates these hordein proteins making all beers gluten-free. Although commercial assay tests for hordein are not available there is conclusive evidence that the brewing process does not degrade hordein to non-toxic levels. A research study in Australia on improving beer haze shows that hordein is still present in beer after the brewing process (http://www.regional.org.au/au/abts/1999/sheehan.htm). Therefore, claims that hordein or gluten is destroyed in the brewing process is unsubstantiated and clearly, based upon the Australian research, is highly questionable.

Based upon the continuous claims by beer companies that beers are gluten free, it is clear that the issue is misunderstood and, as always, it is up to the consumer to educate them on the facts. Hopefully, the information provided here will give consumers and manufacturers alike the ability to discuss these gluten issues intelligently and effectively.”

2) So, why can people with Celiac have 20ppm of gluten, if gluten is technically a toxic entity in their bodies?

Gluten Free Dietician: “In 2007 Catassi and colleagues assessed the effects of consuming capsules containing 0, 10, and 50 milligrams of gluten on the intestinal morphology of persons with celiac disease who reportedly were compliant with a gluten-free diet (Am J Clin Nutr 2007;85:160-166). During the study participants maintained a strict gluten-free diet  and were only allowed to consume specially marked gluten-free cereal foods containing less than 20 parts per million gluten. Gluten intake from the diet was estimated to be less than 5 milligrams. Researchers found a significant decrease in the villous height to crypt depth ratio in the group taking the 50 milligram capsule. No significant change was found in the vh/cd ratio in the group taking the 10 milligram capsule.”

So, we can have up to 20ppm of gluten in one serving of food before there are any adverse affects to our bodies.

3) How much is 20ppm, for those of us who are not science-inclined?

Gluten Free Dietician: “To break it down, 20 parts per million is the equivalent to 20ppm per kilogram of food. An average slice of gluten-free bread containing 20ppm of gluten (which is all of them- link to results) would contain 0.57 milligrams of gluten. Even if you ate ten ounces of foods containing 20ppm gluten, that would be just 5.70 mg of gluten. This level is just over half of the 10mg found by Catassi’s study to be a safe level so you would need to eat a whole lot of 20ppm food each day to surpass the “safe” level.

We must also consider that 20ppm is the highest level of gluten that foods can contain to be considered gluten free so most of the products you are eating will contain less than this amount.”

celiac.com

Also…

The Chameleon’s Tongue: “Fasano’s study tells us that 50mg of gluten per day damages the bowel of coeliacs, even though it doesn’t cause symptoms or show up in blood tests. That’s about as much gluten as 1/100th of a slice of standard wheat bread contains. A normal western diet contains 10–20g of gluten each day, which is 200–400 times the minimum amount of gluten that damages the small intestine of a coeliac patient. Fasano’s work also showed that there is a lot of variation between coeliac patients, and some experienced symptoms with as little as 10mg of gluten daily.”

My tolerance to gluten is definitely going down, the older I get and the longer I have been on a gluten free diet.  My tolerance level, at this point, is at about 40ppm until I start feeling anything, so it is roughly the equivalent of 32 slices of Udi’s bread. But I figure I’ll be having a lot more problems than gluten reactions, if I go that route.

4) So, how much gluten is in beer?

BeerAdvocate:

“My impression is that many beers (including craft, of course) have pretty darn low levels of gluten, say around 10-15 ppm. Many obviously have a lot more (stronger, fuller-bodied, wheat beer etc.).”

• 10-15ppm of gluten is 0.01mg of gluten.
• A 1oz slice of white bread contains about 3.5g of gluten.
• 10-15ppm of gluten is equal to half of 1/100th of a piece of bread.

“You also have issues with how much a person can tolerate, under 20ppm is typically considered safe for someone with celiacs, however there are people who still react even at those low levels.”

5) Finally, just be careful. No matter what science says.

Food Republic: “If you have a food allergy that isn’t life-threatening, try carefully fiddling with it like one lactard friend of mine does with aged cheese — cream cheese would bring her right down, but a little grated parmesan on her pasta is fine. Another friend who’s allergic to most fish discovered that salmon doesn’t affect him the way shrimp would, due to its lower iodine content. Now his hair is super shiny from all the salmon he’s been eating. You’re stuck this way for life, friends, and allergies have their quirks, so find a silver lining. Or in my case, a silver bullet or six.”

So there you have it folks.

Beer has the same amount of gluten, if not less, as the average gluten free product.

Which is why beer is gluten free, in the same manner that Udi’s Gluten Free Bread is gluten free.

I don’t always spend all Friday looking up scientific research,

but when I do,

it is so I can drink beer.

Apparently, I can’t just wish my body into excellent shape.

I know!! Trust me, I’ve been trying.

The truth of the matter is, I was starting to get in excellent (well, “good“) shape last year from roller skating.  I was on a schedule, and I skated a half-marathon a year ago. I was starting to look pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself.

One year of roller skating.

Unfortunately, now that we have moved onto dirt roads, my days of just throwing on my skates and getting a good skate in is over.  We do have skating parks nearby, but those are for adventurous kids who don’t mind breaking something (see: ankles, legs, willpower).  What I need for skating is a long, smooth path to just make time on.

What to do, what to do.

Hugh Laurie is a smart guy.  He will have an answer for me, I’m sure.

Rowing!  That is a fantastic idea!

There are so many benefits to rowing.  According to Harper’s Bazzar:

” Die-hard spinners are jumping off their bikes and on to … rowing machines? Yes, it’s true. Call it the fitness trend that no one predicted, but suddenly boutique rowing studios are opening at a fast pace across the country and loads of converts are swearing off cycling classes. “I drank the Spin Kool-Aid like so many—but after a year I plateaued and no longer saw the results I wanted,” says Hilary Rainey, 26, a manager at a nonprofit. She’s a regular at New York’s CityRow studio, going twice a week, and has lost 11 pounds in just under two months. Jessica Luftig, 38, a project manager, has gone three to four times a week religiously since February in lieu of TRX Suspension Training and barre-toning classes and dropped 25 pounds. “I can’t get enough,” she says.”

I have never Spun, so I have never seen any results from getting on a stationary bike. But rowing?  I am all over that. And I am loving these testimonies.

“Here’s why: Rowing just might be the most efficient exercise ever. “With each stroke, pretty much every part of the body is used,” says Stella Lucia Volpe, an exercise physiologist and professor of nutrition sciences at Drexel University in Philadelphia and an avid rower. And it may let you skip crunches—for good. “A big part of rowing is core strength,” she adds. “People think it’s all arms, but rowing is much more legs and core.”

So there is only one thing to do in order to get back into shape.  Buy a rowing machine.

My own personal, exclusive Rockwood Gym Members:

So, let’s get started 🙂